With a new-found freedom at a new school I decided to explore my identity.Īfter my sophomore year at Bethel, I worked up the courage to try a gay club, just to see what the gay scene was like. Yet I so wanted to be with a guy to see what it was like.Īfter a year at Ecclesia, I ended up at Bethel College. They would ask if I was straight or gay, and I'd always chicken out. This was also the first time I had guys hitting on me. I was one of the best players on the team and had some semblance of popularity on campus. There I played my first years of college ball. Surviving that episode, and the emotional roller coaster it put me on, built my trust in God to answer my prayers.Īfter high school I attended Ecclesia College, a Bible school not an hour away from my parents' house. Somewhere in my head came an answer, a mandate to "Get up." I moved my legs, sat up, and walked away, relatively unscathed. "God," I whispered aloud in a croaked voice, "if you can help me and take care of me, I will live for you for the rest of my life." My clumsy feet had left me, luckily, alive. The fall felt like an eternity, but it wasn't bad enough to kill me. My mind was truly elsewhere in those moments, and I tumbled down. Yet somehow I slipped and fell right over the edge of the cliff. Thankfully a will to live hit me the closer I got and, after some contemplation, I backed away from my death. I went to that cliff with every intention of taking my life over the edge. I didn't know where I was going in life.Īfter one particularly awful day, I walked to the edge of a steep cliff not too far from my house. In high school my loneliness and self-hatred were at an all-time high, while my self-worth plummeted.
Being good at basketball suddenly made me "normal," worthy of their time and attention.Įven with some friends and attention, I felt like an outcast. As I became more of a "star," the other kids started talking to me more. Eventually I caught the attention of a few players and coaches. Gay college basketball player happy on his team Gay athlete wins Christian school character awardĪt a young age I showed promise on the basketball court, so my parents sent me to camps and gave me resources to develop as a basketball player. Of course I denied the gay comments, clinging to three things that kept me whole during my lonely youth: 1) God, 2) family and 3) basketball.
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(Fun fact: I am now a professional clown, in case anyone needs me to do a gig). The other kids frequently called me gay because I hung out with girls and acted as the class clown. In junior high, I was always that "weird" or "crazy" kid nobody wanted to hang around, so I didn't have a lot of friends. I uttered hatefulness out of necessity to fit into the community, but I always felt like my words would come back to haunt me. I'd say gays have no meaning in this world. Two years ago I told everyone I was against homosexuality, even hated gay people. Growing up I was inculcated with the belief that "gay" automatically meant "going to hell." I loved my life there except for one not-so-small problem: Cedarville and the other surrounding areas are some of the most homophobic parts of the country. There I developed some friendships and memories that will last a lifetime. Growing up in Cedarville, a little town of 1,300 people in western Arkansas, was one of the greatest things that could have happened to me. I usually answer with something equally absurd. I'm often asked, "How can you be a college basketball player and still be gay?"